The Hard Choice…

grief2I have been trying to write this for a while now and it has been harder than I thought it would be. I thought it’s cathartic and will be good for you…. it isn’t. You see I want to tell you about my Mom who lived a simple life doing the best she could as a parent, but I keep getting overwhelmed by her death. I’m going to start with that and just get it out of the way, so bare with me. My Mom died 9 years ago over the Christmas holidays. In fact it has made Christmas very difficult if not impossible for me to enjoy. She was in extreme pain and was being stoic as usual which may have led to the misdiagnosis she received. The doctor may have just been more interested in getting home for the holiday and that is why he decided to not read her x-ray, after all it was Christmas eve. She did not get a proper diagnosis for 20 hours and by then it was too late. There was surgery, intensive care, medicine, and fighting for her right to die the way she wanted. There were times I stood alone with my hands clasped over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream “save my Mother” as she crashed and rebounded several times. I had my family and they were great but I felt alone because I did not have my siblings. We were her children and we should have leaned on each other and made these decisions together. My older brother would not come, I will never understand why. My older sister was wrapped up in her own pain and causing unneeded drama by accusing me of killing her Mother. I thought these things pulled a family together, I was wrong. After 10 grueling days the doctors finally agreed to remove the ventilator and let her go. That was a strange day, the day my Mom died. The nurse said she would go fast but she didn’t, stubborn to the end she stuck around for the whole day. She wasn’t conscious but we brought her favorite blanket and other things to her room. Everyone gathered and told stories and laughed and cried. When the others had gone and only ’73, the kids and I remained she quietly slipped away, without fanfare or last gasps. Death can be a very quiet and simple thing, peaceful. The impact of her loss and the responsibility she put on me to make those decisions has taken something from me I will never get back. She knew my brother would not come to the hospital and that my sister was not strong enough, in fact she feared my sister would keep her alive and an invalid no matter what, so it fell to me. What she did not know is that I was strong enough to make the hard choice but not strong enough to live with myself afterward. This is the story of my Mother’s death, not the day by day blows but enough. For Mother’s day I will post the story of her life. She was a simple woman and she was my Mom.

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About insider53

Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Friend, Writer, Voracious Reader, and so much more.
This entry was posted in family, grief an loss, life, my life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The Hard Choice…

  1. Nish says:

    Beautifully written…my heart goes out to you. What a painful decision to make…

    But please console yourself that it was the right decision to make, and MOST important – what your mother wanted.

    God bless you!

  2. '79 says:

    I will always remember that day. On the toughest day of your life, you had the courage to stand up through all of the pain and heartbreak and made the right call. That choice and countless others you’ve made over the years have inspired and enstilled in me the mindset of doing what is right no matter what. I have always admired that in you.
    I miss her a lot.

    Love you,

    ’79

  3. ck says:

    You are a beautiful person.

    I hope you find the peace you so rightfully deserve.

    And thank you for sharing that. It was beautifully written and I’m still struggling not to cry.

  4. Gibby says:

    Very powerful post. I am sure Mother’s Day is difficult for you, but know that she is in a much better place. Thank you for sharing that.

  5. spamwarrior says:

    Huggles. Really touching ='(

  6. zelzee says:

    Well, I had to pull out the hanky for that post. I am so sorry you had to go through that anguish. I know it was hard for you, but you must remember, it was your mother’s wish.
    You were her strength, and she counted on you. I can imagine the pain you feel even after all these years, but, there are so many that need you to be strong for them……….today.
    My heart is with you……………………

  7. spamwarrior says:

    btw my post was part of a series about the media and boobs… I’ve found that the media tends to obsess about big ones. Ah well…

  8. Pooba says:

    Wow, I’m seriously holding back my tears right now! That was so well written and from the heart. It hurts to lose someone but I can’t imagine the pain you must feel when it’s all on YOU.

    Can’t wait to hear her life story.

  9. faemom says:

    *hugs* It’s hard doing the right thing, being the responsible one. I hope you can find the peace you need.

  10. wild4words says:

    I got your comment and want to thank you… And say that I send my shared tears for your pain. I pray, often, that I have many days, months, and years before that grief will come to me.

    You did what was hard and even worse, under circumstances where you didn’t have the people who should have been with you.

    I agree with what you said to me – grab that one beautiful, wonderful memory of her and let it flow through you. That is what life is about and that is how you need to be able to remember her.

    Sending hugs from one daughter to another.

  11. Lee says:

    That was very moving to read… I’m so sorry it had to happen like that. I would go crazy if my mother had to go through something so awful.

  12. KathyB! says:

    What a wrenching experience. I am sad but not surprised to hear that it still colors your enjoyment of the holidays.

    My wish for you this mother’s day is that you find the peace to open your heart and soul to your memories of you mother. And that the strength of your love for her begins to wear away at the sharp corners of the bad memories.

    Happy Mother’s Day.

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